Christmas morning of 2018 was a very emotional one for me. I’ve always loved the holidays. I honestly just love to celebrate anything. Any day that adds extra joy is a good day in my books. But I found myself really struggling.

I wasn’t expecting to have such a reaction that Christmas morning. My husband had worked nights the night before so I knew I would have the morning to myself. I figured I would put on a Christmas movie (Love Actually- a personal favourite) and relax. I don’t remember how much of the movie I watched, but I suddenly started sobbing. Full body shaking sobs. Uncontrollable snot dripping sobs. I was devastated.

It suddenly dawned on me that I was alone. Arrow was not going to be there with me. I didn’t have my special guy to share the day with me. I didn’t have anyone to curl up with while watching the movie. I was and still am that fur parent who buys stockings for their animals and makes them patiently inspect each present. I hadn’t even looked at his stocking that year. I don’t even think I got poor Hank anything that year. I hadn’t considered any of my choices for that year’s festivities until that moment.

I curled into bed with my sleeping husband and continued to sob. I tried to be quiet but I woke him up with my trembling. He knew my pain as he was hurting too. It felt nice to be validated but it didn’t stop the tears. I just needed to miss him. I needed to sit (or lie) in my pain.

Grieving during the holidays sucks. I wish I could give you some magical insight about how to make it not suck. But it will. And you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe Christmas doesn’t have to be all joy. Maybe you’re like me and you need to sob into your hot chocolate while watching Love Actually. Or maybe you need to build a blanket fort and hide from the world for a day. My only insight is to do what you need to do to get through the holidays with zero self-judgement. And bah humbug to anyone who wants to tell you that you can’t. I’d also like to add that you can enjoy some of the holidays while still missing your loved one. There are no rules for our grief.